Dear Prophylactic Professional,
"My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and we’re comfortable enough in our relationship to open things up. The one obstacle to intimacy I can’t seem to overcome is my fear of STI's..."
My boyfriend and I (M, late 20’s) have been together for a long time, and we’re comfortable enough in our relationship to open things up, encompassing multiple partners/potentially exploring together. However, the one obstacle to intimacy I can’t seem to overcome is my fear of STI’s. I’m not as worried about the ones that are treatable, but the ones that stay with you for your entire life, particularly HSV-2, amongst some others…the kinds of things that Doxy PEP/PrEP don’t protect from.
I’ve become increasingly hesitant as I’ve gotten older because I’ve realized many potential sexual partners have seemed so cavalier about the topic. All sex comes with risks obviously, but the fear of contracting/the potential guilt of passing along a lifelong infection like HSV-2 to others whom I love has me entirely frozen. I would love to be more sex-positive/open to encounters (and, I’d love to support my partner in that as well) but I can’t conceptually seem to get over this and it’s only gotten worse over time. I’d love to hear your perspective—thoughts? Xoxox
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Dear Prophylactic Professional,
Thank you for asking this question ProPro. I think we can all get a little wrapped up about “wrapping it up.” Most of us want to appear sex-positive, as if fears around STI’s magically disappear with enough queer theory and good vibes. These fears often take root early (I’m thinking of those awful health class slideshows) and can be difficult to leave behind, especially when some degree of caution is warranted.
As you rightly point out, all sex comes with risks. “Safe sex” is an oxymoron, sort of like gender neutral fashion or the term “socially liberal.” However, there are steps you can take to reduce your risk of contracting STI’s, both the more permanent kind and the two-shots-at-the-clinic kind. Condoms, PrEP, Doxy Pep—I won’t wax poetic about these since you’re an adult capable of using Google. If you’re worried about your risk of STI’s, use them and use them often.
Beyond the prophylactics, I think the biggest step you can take to protect your sexual health is open communication with your partners about what and who they’re doing. If you are only interested in having sex with people that use condoms, that is doable, and you should feel comfortable holding your boundaries.
I’m not gonna pretend that in the gay sex market this is an easy ask. You and I ProPro are from a generation that’s had access to PrEP for most of our adult lives. Perhaps because of this, most gays our age don’t want to talk about the shadow the AIDS crisis (and centuries of queer fear mongering) have cast over our lives. Even when we do have those conversations, we’re usually more comfortable having them publicly (social media, art exhibitions, etc.) than privately (in the bedroom).
I have to wonder if part of this cavalier attitude is born out of people having stories like mine—people who fucked their way to STI peace of mind.
The first time I hooked up with a guy via Grindr I was seventeen (unfortunately relatable?). I remember calling my best friend immediately after, certain I had contracted something incurable. Not just “something.” I was certain I had HIV.
A week later I walked to the local clinic to get a test. I told my Mom I would be studying at the library. (This was believable. I was a bookish slut.) Looking back, this Grindr guy and I hadn’t done anything I would now consider particularly risky. Still I was struck by a deep association: gay sex = dirty.
This association took a while to dissolve. Having a lot of random sex helped. I’ve had periods where I’ve always used condoms and I’ve had times where I’ve been mostly rolling the sexual dice. Nothing makes you bolder than getting away with it.
I’ve had gonorrhea once, pink eye, and giardia. The last two I’m not sure are technically STI’s, but since they are usually contracted from contact with fecal matter, it feels naive to discount either as coincidence. (I’m also just prone to contracting weird shit. I once had scarlet fever for two weeks, something I assumed only pioneers died from. Oregon-Trail-ass-disease.)
I’m sharing a little bit of my sexual history so you can do your own mental sex math. If I fuck “x” amount of people in “y” different ways, what is my risk of contracting “a,” “b,” and “c”?
These calculations might offer you some peace of mind, but in my experience ProPro, there is no substitute for the exposure therapy of more casual sex. Like any other fear, the best way to get over it is to face it. (Sometimes all over your face!)
I don’t mean to minimize the health impacts of contracting a disease like HSV-2, which if you’re curious about specifically, I have written a small blurb on here. Though I get the feeling that the real concern here is not the risk to your health, but the fear and potential stigma that comes with carrying an incurable disease.
You’re worried about the potential guilt of passing along an infection to your partner. I understand this feeling, especially if y’all are newer to the whole open-relationship thing. I do believe though that if this were to happen, and they love and care about you, they will understand that it is not your fault. You can use all the condoms and have all the conversations with sex partners and you still might contract a disease like HIV or HSV-2. To some degree this is out of your control. Hopefully that is something they can understand.
(Also maybe I don’t know enough about your sitch, but isn’t it just as likely that they might pass something on to you? How would you react? Hopefully you would expect them to act in kind.)
All you can really do ProPro is understand your own risks and assess the ones you are willing to take. Every time you cross the street you could get smacked by a car. Does it stop you from walking to the grocery store? (This is perhaps not the best metaphor, STI’s are not car accidents.)
Let’s think about what the fear is doing for you here. The fear is not actually reducing your risk of contracting an STI. That is what condoms and meds are for. The only thing the fear is doing, is keeping you from enjoying yourself. Once you’ve done what you can to reduce your risk, and are grounded in that knowledge, you have to let that other shit go.
Lots of love,
A Close Friend
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